Dummies’ Guide to the Singapore Pledge (2012 Version)

We, the citizens (*and new immigrants and other shareholders) of Singapore,

pledge ourselves as one united people (*economy),

regardless of race (*please check your population quota under the Ethnic Integration Policy, and check whether your neighbour likes curry),

language (*your mother tongue as spoken by your father; please note Singlish is discouraged, but broken English acceptable)

or religion (*distinct and separate from one another; code of conduct may be needed so that one can be ‘less strict’),

(*regarding queries on sexual identity, please refer to 377A and the latest MOE Breaking Down Bridges programme;

regarding queries on local identity, please check your GRC boundaries every 5 years)

to build a democratic (*Asian-style, not western-style like a world-class parliament; as agreed upon by the majority of 60%)

society (*based on shared values of Confucian ethics for pragmatism; please refer to the 1991 White Paper, or any book on ‘hard truths’ that may be banned in Malaysia)

based on justice (*ISA to be invoked whenever applicable)

and equality (*a ‘multiracial meritocracy’, ie. some may have more equality than others)

so as to achieve happiness (*Singapore standard, not Bhutan standard),

prosperity (*as measured by GDP and inflation rate, not salary increment or welfare spending for the less fortunate;

as measured by property prices and height of condominiums, not HDB floor area;

as measured by the number of highways created by bulldozers, not the MRT train frequency or reliability;

as measured by the volume of subterranean shopping space in Orchard Road, and also amount of water storage, otherwise known as ‘ponding’)

and progress for our nation (*our neoliberal globalised economy under Temasek).

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